07 February 2014

Drama Mama



"If you don't need me, let me know so I could go back to work!" 

That was what I told my daughter two days ago during my first biggest meltdown of the year. It was past midnight, she was still super active and totally ignoring everything I told her. And the icing on the smashed cake? I was really, really, really tired. Chores and PMS... who wouldn't just wish to rest? 

We may look just fine, my husband and I, but we are actually mentally-preoccupied. My husband's car is in a major operation. I know nothing about cars but when I knew how much it would cost us, I was stunned and found myself in deep reveries most of the day. So to see my daughter still bouncy after her pre-bedtime bath and blatantly defying my rules was like a big ax in my head. I did the usual, in series ― calmly tried to get her attention, raised my voice a bit, yelled then got possessed by the green monster (not Shrek, Hulk!) ― when she did her usual preschooler-rebel-without-a-cause antics. After my Marvel movie-worthy acting, I saw fright and pain in her eyes. But because rage enveloped my whole being, I still continued my sermon and nonsense emotional outburst. We tried to finish the whole sermon-sorry-forgiveness-scene as fast as we can because we are all too drowsy to care for more. Her father reminded her of two things: obey and love me. The next day went well, until something happened again the day after.


"If you can't find a reason for what you're doing, don't do it!!!"

I said this in support to my endless restraints to her endless climbing in the handrails of our stairs. I asked her why she keeps on doing that and she said "I don't know". I realized the above sentence was somewhat perplexing for a 5-year-old. I slowed down, looked deep in her eyes and felt her sadness. I felt miserable, terrible, awful. In that moment, I saw a bad, nagging mom in myself. I tried to remove the idea on my mind but it was there the whole day today. I thought it might be too late to change parenting gears. My daughter must be shouting a lot because I am shouting a lot. Sophia must be too cranky to people who'd say no to her whims because I don't take no as an answer. She must be a little wishy-washy to everything she does because I can't stick to a routine. 

I expect too much change from her little 5-year-old self when it is the 29-year-old temperamental b*tch in me who has to change. I can't blame TV shows anymore as I already blocked a channel that might be a medium to her being a smart-mouthed kid. I actually lessened her TV time from all day every day to 3 hours maximum each day on weekdays, 4 hours on weekends. No need to make my being a geographically-single parent a big deal as there are millions of real single parents in the world who did great in raising their children. I can't say that she must have gotten those spoiled rotten tantrums from her nanny 'cause I'm the nanny, er — the one who's with her 24/7. Yes, the burden of seeing my girl with a bit of bratty-tude lies in my shoulders. She is a reflection of what I am and how I discipline her. Right? 

Uhm, is this something you can relate with or is this solely happening to me? Please enlighten me.

*photo source: jimsmash.blogspot.com

10 comments:

  1. This is definitely something that's also happening to me. Ziggy screams a lot, whenever he's frustrated or sometimes even when he's just playing. As much as I hate to admit it, I think it has to do with me screaming at the kids too. I'm trying my darnest to change that but I really can't help it sometimes when they don't listen, you know? Good luck to you on that. :) As long as you're doing your best as a loving mother, Pia will be okay. :)

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    1. It's the changing part that is the hardest! I'm trying to trace the roots of these all and realized that our house when I was a kid had full of shouting, too. So yeah, I think I need to stop the stigma right now. I don't want my grandchildren to blame me if their mom will be the scream-y type. Thanks for the pep talk, Janice! ♥

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  2. Denise, trust me, you're not alone. I always feel guilty whenever I reprimand Kuya Dandré about his studies, about being responsible, about remembering a routine and gosh, even when we do his assignments together. My patience sometimes goes MIA. But I realized that maybe I'm expecting too much from him. I started letting my parental guards down a bit. Asked him what he needs to ensure he could do what's expected of him. Support support peg. Sometimes, I still lose control. When that happens, I pause, apologize for my behavior then we talk afterwards. It's normal Denise. But agree with Janice, as long as you're doing your best, you'll be best friends til the end! :-D

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    1. Oh gosh! Merci, mademoiselle! ♥

      At least I know I'm still "normal". Haha! Sometimes kasi I feel so terrible about being the "bad guy" here at home. One time, Pia told her teacher na ang love niya lang is her father. It crushed me ng bonggang-bongga. So I'm hoping maayos ko 'to para she won't love me less because I'm being hulk and all.

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  3. Aw. PMS. And I'm guilty with shouting too plus the big listen-to-me-now-or-you-wont-like-what's-next eyes. Sometimes we think they can fully understand us and what we expect out of them because of how advanced kids are but then, after Hulk moments, we realize they are still kids.

    Okay lang yan! I bet most mommies have this kind of moment too

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    1. Yun nga, super I regret it 'pag nasisigawan ko siya tapos sasabihin niya sa akin "I thought we're friends". Nakakadurog ng puso.

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  4. Nakakarelate ako ng sobra dito. 5 y.o din si Gale. Lagi din kami nagaaway kasi most of the time ang stubborn nya and she always get into fight with her cousins. May angil na rin un tono ng boses nya kapag sumasagot na kanino pa ba nya makukuha kundi sa kin. Iniisip ko magchange ng style ng pagddiscipline kaya lang mapanindigan ko kaya.. hayyyy

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    1. Yun nga ang mahirap, yung mapaninidigan. Madali naman baguhin yung style eh, the real challenge is if you can continue with that. Good luck sa atin! :)

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  5. I feel the same way sometimes and you know what's worse, when you hear your own mom questioning your parenting skills and say, "ayusin mu yan, lalaki yang rebelde kagaya mo".

    But you know what, no one should tell us on how to raise our children, we know what's best for them. What you feel is normal, we all have those moments, we do get tired, i mean we run lives here! ahahha! kakapagod din kaya.

    I think you're doing fine as a parent, after "the pagtataray" you explain naman to your kid kung bakit nagagalit si mommy. It only gets tiring because we have to say the same thing everytime, but that's what we do as a parent, we repeat things until they can finally correct it themselves.

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  6. both hands raised! I've only heard of one mom who was able to say she's never raised her voice at any of her children. so don't worry mommy, there's a lot of us challenged at this. :)

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