18 November 2012

A Letter From a Bipolar Parent

Dear Sophia,

Let me vent out. I just want to tell you how pissed I am at how you always cling to me even when I want to poop. It irritates me when you ask me to teach you how to play the games on my 2-year-old C3. It can never be as good as your Tatay's iPhone so don't whine if the characters don't move as you slide the screen. My nape aches when you insist to eat banana instead of rice and monggo.

Today, we went with Lola Leny and visited the apartment for rent that she recommended. It's painted in pink, just like what you wished for. But when we were there, you don't seem happy about it. I will get it in the blink of an eye, not because it's pink but because it doesn't flood there. It's near everywhere - hospitals, supermarkets, wet market, ride going to malls. The only problem is, it only has one bedroom, which Tatay will surely disapprove of. Now I'm so torn. I just want to give us our own kingdom.

And yet you stress me so much about your 4-year-old issues.

When you threw up in the dining area earlier tonight and I saw bits of chocolate, I wanted to scream. No, I wanted to poke my tonsil and throw up, too. You just made me feel like a bad mother. I bought you that chocolate-flavored wafer because I know you could have made a scene if I didn't buy it. And now, it caused you a suicidal cough. As far as my migraine is concern, that was such a show. I felt the back of my head throbbing and your little voice seemed so far away as I saw you hugged the toilet and puked for eternity. I wanted to faint but I know you needed me. A sudden thought passed: A 20-year-old you getting drunk and hugging the toilet. I can't even.

You said it's us when you saw this.
Babe, as you peacefully went to sleep tonight after a book about monkeys and a prayer about your cough, I realized I shouldn't be this to you. What, this? This - strict but spoiler. Damn (sorry for the word, young lady)! But it's hard to be a military wife. I am your father most of the time. But should act like a mother 'cause I am. That makes me a Bipolar parent. I am a mix of two at the same time. And I despise it. As much as I want to coo you when you're sick just like any doting moms do, I need to be firm and stern in making you take your meds. I needed to use my iron fist as to make you avoid sweet foods to lessen the risk of extreme coughing at night. There are times that I only want peace and quiet with you, reading our books and just sitting beside each other. But your blood has your Tatay's warrior genes, you want some rough play that I can't give. Hence, my patience twine snapping off.

Okay, enough with my rant.

I'm very sorry, my dear girl Sophia. I know you somehow feel insecure as I am always at this computer instead of watching your toons with you. Yes, I will limit my time with this pink evil and dance with your Hi-5 friends. You're only four and don't know how to differentiate EASY from HARD when playing games on my phone; so yes, I will do my best to patiently teach you how to "kill" (ugh! How can you say that to a 4-year-old?!) the red snake in Diamond Rush. Lastly, I will never force you to eat something you don't like. Because I myself can't eat balut, "helmet" (grilled chicken's head) and mussels even if Tatay will tell me to do so. I will respect that.

I only have a request. Please stay as protective as you are when Lola pretended that she's going to beat me up. I was in tears of joy when you did your best to shield me from her and you suddenly cried when you realized you can't do anything because she's bigger than you. I know I'm bad to play with your feelings. I just wanted to let Lola see how much you love me and wants to take care of me even if you're your usual masungit self. It was all part of our theatrics. I just hope I won't go wrong along the way of raising you up, so I know I can make you become a better version of me.

I may have my librarian of a face when I tell you to sleep, eat or clean up; but in the deepest corner of my heart, it always has its best intention for you. I love you to bits. ♥

We'll go to church tomorrow (er, this morning) 'cause I only borrowed you from God,

Never marry a soldier if you don't want to be a Bipolar parent like me.
But they're hot, I can't blame me if you will. ;)

No, I'm not really Bipolar - sick and all. I hope I made that clear in the 5th paragraph.

Photo courtesy of Kaleigh Somers


  1. hi denise! i love your article <3 yes, being a parent is REALLY hard, though I am not a parent yet, being a teacher with my students makes me a parent for an hour or two! haha! I know being a mother is difficult but then I know, it is coupled with joy and fulfillment!I was teary-eyed when I read this article! I can't wait to be a mother soon! :)

    1. Cheryl Ravalo? The Valedictorian of our gradeschool batch? :)
      It's easy to make a child (haha!)but it's tough to be a parent.
      Thank you for reading my blog.

  2. awwww.. kahit anong kulit or pagkainis natin sa mga anak natin mommy Denise at the end of the day, masaya tau na dumating sila sa buhay natin.

    1. Yes, Istin! If she didn't come into my life maybe I'm still drinking every night till morning & still smokes like that of a kapre. She's a blessing to me! :)

    2. Natuwa naman ako dito Mommy Denise,parang narinig ko lang yun sarili ko..:)

  3. What a sweet letter from a mom who loves her daughter dearly;)

  4. hirap talaga ng walang pudra. hehe. si eli din kamay na bakal sa umaga, tweetums sa gabi. nakakayamot lang kasi mas sanay sya sumunod sa daddy nya kesa sakin kaya nung umalis, kontrabida ang dating ko. pero they'll understand it someday

  5. galing talga... ang sarap talga basahin ng blog mo...
    kakarelate din ako dito sa sinulat mo, ang hirap talgang maging TaNay.

    1. Aww. Thank you for loving my blog, Armi! :)
      Articles written that come from the heart make more impact talaga.
      Mwah! :*

  6. There goes the serious, err... softer side of Nanay Bebeng! Love this blog post. Very heart-warming. <3